Dear Hayley Williams of Paramore,

"Hangin" with the boys from The Swellers does not make you cool. In fact, it makes you even more uncool than you already are. Those dudes are from Michigan for gods sake! Nothing good comes outta that country. Well, actually, Detroit is pretty cool. It a pretty up and coming location filled with lots of employment and lots of buildings that are not crumbling at all. Detroit - big in 2010, I'm callin' it. Giggle.

But OH HAAAAAY GIRL, you like pizza? Dude, so do I!!! SMALL WORLD!!! What do you like on your pizza? I like pubic hair on my pizza. I rip my pubic hair out and sprinkle it on my pizza. Tastes pretty "indie" if you ask me. You should try it. Oh wait, you are only 5 years old so you don't have pubic hair yet. ZING.

Where did you get that Minor Threat shirt? Whoa! Ian MacKaye LOLZ. Minor Threat sucks. Just sayin. And Hayley, just so you know, please don't think about wear a Bad Brains shirt either because I think I might throw up if you do. Minor Threat is crap, Bad Brains is crap. PUNK IZ DEAD. Washington D.C. never had a "scene" and they never will.

Oh man, all this typing shit talk is making me "hella" thirsty. Should I drink some ZICO Pure Coconut Water? I would rather not, that crap tastes like SHIT. I would rather french kiss a chainsaw then drink that shit. Just sayin. U mad? Pshhhh.

Sincerely,
FuckThatBand.com Staff

What's up, guys. I am totally sweating right now and my hair is sticking to the back of my neck and my face is breaking out even worse than before and it's disgusting. It's about 101 degrees here and I'm sitting in my backyard staring at my empty in-ground pool. Dad said we couldn't fill it up this year because we're in a recession and we don't have enough money for water/chlorine/blow up toys. My life totally sucks, but at least I am stealing internet from my neighbors, The Swellers.

That's right, I live next door to The Swellers. They are a band that you've never heard of. They are poor too, you can tell by their picture, which was taken by their little sister. They bought their plaid shirts at Salvation Army (the one on the right actually used to be my Grandpa's, RIP). They also only had enough hair gel for one guy to use (the guy in the front) and enough electricity for one guy to use a hair straightener (the guy in the red shirt).

Don't bother listening to their music, they recorded it in their garage using one of those car headset microphones that you can buy at Target. You can hear my screaming in the background for them to shut up. Anyway whatevs, I don't hate on poor people because I am one of them, but I just don't want you all to waste your money on their music because you will totally be disappointed.

Ok, gotta go try to find some rich kids to hang out with. Might try my local Outback Steakhouse Restaurant parking lot. I heard rich people love Outback. The blooming onion is something I dream about almost every night. I pray Santa brings me a bloomin' onion this year for Kwanzaa. Peace out poor kidz.

P.S. Click HEREEEE for another post about Da Swellerz. OK? OK!

I would rather eat bugs than listen to The Swellers. I hate that band so much. So much. Man. Seriously. WTF. Hate them. H8 H8 H8.

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