We Sound Like Hell
posted by M. Thomas on July 17, 2009
I was hanging out with my grandma in the funeral home last night (RIP) and I could have sworn she spoke to me. She told me that her last wish was for me to get into her favorite band called This is Hell.
I respected her so when I got home, I went on the iTunes and got me some This is Hell mp4 files. I listened and then I was all like: This... is... Hell...????? These d00dz think they know what Hell is? I've been to Hell, motherfuckers. And it is tight as shit yo (the complete opposite of the music This is Hell makes). Hell is awesome, you get to sip margaritas and watch the sunset while getting a handjob from a hot chick dressed in a Barney the Dinosaur costume. Then, when you pass out, instead of dreams, it's porno movies playing in your head. Then you wake up and get to jump from a trampoline into a huge ball pit all day.
Occasionally Lucifer comes around and asks you how you're doing, if you need anything, etc. He's a busy guy but he makes sure you have everything you need. Then he leaves and goes to do whatever it is He does, probably like arm wrestle Jesus and stuff. Then, you sit on the beach until you feel like swimming.
The ocean isn't any of that salt water shiiiit, it's purified Fuji water, you know, that expensive shit that comes in those square bottles. The water fountains in Hell serve Hawaiian Punch instead of water.
Midgets wash your body down when you're ready, so you don't need to shower, and midgets also brush your teeth for you too. The midgets are available 24/7! They cater to your every need (and yes, that could include sexual needs, but not many people opt for the Hell midgets to get their rocks off).
The midgets' skin alternates everyday of the week. Mondays, it's blue, like Smurfs. Tuesdays, it's green like aliens. Wednesday, it's clear, etc. etc. They provide endless entertainment for you because they love you. Hell rocks!
Occasionally, in Hell, they'll have big festivals (kinda like VANS WARPED TOUR lol) with raffles, free food (funnel cake man!!!!), door prizes, FREE PUNK RAWK BAND STICKERS, and other shit.
In closing, This is Hell (the band) sucks and the location of Hell rocks! Shame on This is Hell for having HELL in their band name!!! SHAME SHAME ON THEM!!! 666 yo!!! Holler at my ballz.
P.S. But fur-reelz though, CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT POLAR BEAR CLUB for a hot second?
I respected her so when I got home, I went on the iTunes and got me some This is Hell mp4 files. I listened and then I was all like: This... is... Hell...????? These d00dz think they know what Hell is? I've been to Hell, motherfuckers. And it is tight as shit yo (the complete opposite of the music This is Hell makes). Hell is awesome, you get to sip margaritas and watch the sunset while getting a handjob from a hot chick dressed in a Barney the Dinosaur costume. Then, when you pass out, instead of dreams, it's porno movies playing in your head. Then you wake up and get to jump from a trampoline into a huge ball pit all day.
Occasionally Lucifer comes around and asks you how you're doing, if you need anything, etc. He's a busy guy but he makes sure you have everything you need. Then he leaves and goes to do whatever it is He does, probably like arm wrestle Jesus and stuff. Then, you sit on the beach until you feel like swimming.
The ocean isn't any of that salt water shiiiit, it's purified Fuji water, you know, that expensive shit that comes in those square bottles. The water fountains in Hell serve Hawaiian Punch instead of water.
Midgets wash your body down when you're ready, so you don't need to shower, and midgets also brush your teeth for you too. The midgets are available 24/7! They cater to your every need (and yes, that could include sexual needs, but not many people opt for the Hell midgets to get their rocks off).
The midgets' skin alternates everyday of the week. Mondays, it's blue, like Smurfs. Tuesdays, it's green like aliens. Wednesday, it's clear, etc. etc. They provide endless entertainment for you because they love you. Hell rocks!
Occasionally, in Hell, they'll have big festivals (kinda like VANS WARPED TOUR lol) with raffles, free food (funnel cake man!!!!), door prizes, FREE PUNK RAWK BAND STICKERS, and other shit.
In closing, This is Hell (the band) sucks and the location of Hell rocks! Shame on This is Hell for having HELL in their band name!!! SHAME SHAME ON THEM!!! 666 yo!!! Holler at my ballz.
P.S. But fur-reelz though, CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT POLAR BEAR CLUB for a hot second?
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